


Love, Thomas

by Stilinski_Mieczyslaw



Category: The Maze Runner (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healing Thomas (Maze Runner), Hurt Thomas (Maze Runner), I Made Myself Cry, Letters, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:01:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23611204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stilinski_Mieczyslaw/pseuds/Stilinski_Mieczyslaw
Summary: Thomas answers Newts letter.
Relationships: Newt/Thomas (Maze Runner)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36





	Love, Thomas

Dear Newt,

it's been a while. One Year, two months, one week and five days to be exact. I'm sorry that you had to wait this long for my answer. Thank you for your letter. Made me realise that you would always be by my side even if I can't see you.

I had so much time to think about everything. There was little to no time back then and I was so scared, so angry, so hurt it almost drove me crazy. I had no time to really think straight. (I know you're laughing at me right now, 'cause my ideas never screamed _'This man has figured out life'_ to begin with so you always knew I couldn't be in my right mind.)

I only acted out of reflex. Almost all the time. I had to concentrate on keeping everyone safe, rescue as many as possible, chasing after a ghost of my past. There was no time to think about feelings apart from anger and fear. I just thought _'I knew Teresa from before the maze. She had to be special to me.'_

Now I think I let the feelings from _this Thomas before the maze_ take over just because I could remember bits and pieces from my life at her side. You know I am stubborn as shuck. I never questioned my feelings once it was in my head. Even at the moment you - and I - ripped my heart out together while I had to ram a knife trough your heart. Even when I kissed her before she fell and felt love but not the kind of love a kiss like this would be appropriate. But stupid as I am I didn't figure it out.

From the first day I woke up in the box, was dragged up into the Glades surrounded by a scary maze I hated to not knowing why I ended up there, to not knowing who I really was. I hated it so much to never made sense out of the little pieces of memories I sometimes got, 

... sometimes confused them with surreal dreams.

I thought I had to know everything, I remember I annoyed nearly everybody with all my questions, but I wanted to know as much as I could just to fill the void deep within me of not knowing who I really truly was. 

You, Newt, were the ground I needed. You helped me focus, helped me forming the man I wanted to become without even knowing it back then and still am right now while I'm writing this letter. 

I'm really sorry that this is just me yackety-yak'ing about everything.... and nothing at all. But you were always the greater brain, you knew what to say. I really just said what I hoped was the right thing to say. My words were never calculated and carefully selected like yours.

I, _the Thomas living in Save Haven, the Thomas without most of his memories from before the maze, the Thomas drinking and eating with friends and family at the bonfire, smiling laughing, talking, remembering,_ am happy now. I won't lie to you, never wanted to. It was hard at the beginning. Living with all the blood on my hands, With the pain of everything I've lost, without you by my side. I tried to play it cool, tried to start over right after I woke up the day after I lost you and Teresa. But even I knew that it would never be possible. 

The first few days I just went with everything around me, smiled, hoped, thought I would just settle down and start to live my new life. I really thought I was okay.

And then one night without a warning without anything that could have triggered it without any pictures of the past... just the blackness behind my eyelids forgetting about the bad and sad memories the moment they came up behind my eyes like ghosts... I began to scream to cry to beg for help until I could force my eyes open... to jump up and tried to get to the water. The cold salty waves helped calming me down while I began to understand. I was not okay. I was _so really not_ okay and I had no plan how to change it. 

That was the day I started to think about myself and my life. About all the people I met, the good and the bad. I started to allow emotions and feelings. I started getting to know myself. I had the time and still have. I'm safe now and that... I had to learn that, but I got the idea quicker than I thought. Apart from all the other nights full of nightmares and remorse. I could allow myself to just close my eyes and feel the wind, listen to the people around me, smell the scent of the ocean. 

For some reason I thought, when I open my eyes my wishful thinking would show me Teresa. Yeah, I still thought I really truly loved her without really knowing why exactly. But... there was just you infront of me. 

You with your goofy little smile, your sass, your dirty blonde hair, your open beautiful dark eyes, your stupid british accent. I understood that you never had the need to know _the Thomas from before the maze_. You hadn't any expectations of me remembering things I couldn't. You followed me, stood by my side, accepted the most of me. 

You saw me. _The Me_ you made me become. Yes, now, after over a year, I love myself. There is a dark place inside of my head that will never truly forgive myself for what I had to do back then, but with every day in peace and freedom I learn how to live with that. 

The only thing that is still so shucking hard to learn is to live without you here right beside me. Because that is the thing

I think I loved you and still do.

I wished I had noticed earlier. Much _much_ earlier. Without me knowing... I fell in love with you. And I didn't saw it. I never saw it. 

I hope you wait for me. At the place you are right now. I hope there is an aflterlife where I'm able to meet you again, after I lost my last fight against death.

If there is a life after... then I want to hug you and finally tell you how I feel. Eye to eye.

Love, Thomas

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it.  
> After I saw 'The Death Cure' this idea came to me and I cried.
> 
> And I cried while writing this. 
> 
> I love this pairing so much I cannot.
> 
> ________
> 
> English is not my first language. All mistakes are totally mine. 
> 
> Peace out.
> 
> \-- Captain Cold


End file.
